This Week for Happy Hour: Cowplops vs. Meadow Muffins

Shark week had the worst ratings this past week in its history.  Know why?  Because nobody’s afraid of sharks anymore!  Know why?  Because they’re not nearly as frightening as the news!

I’m sorry nobody won a round of free drinks on me from the would-be US debt default.  But look at it this way: you didn’t lose anything either.  Except for the value and future of the money in your pocket (unless you’ve got silver and gold in there) as well as any remaining faith in our political system you may have somehow been preserving in the recesses of your psyche.

At this point, if anyone actually remains a loyal Democrat or Republican, then I urge you to chow down on a heaping double-dose spoonful of LSD and pray that the chemicals open up some new connections in your frontal lobe.  Don’t worry about the side effects, because if you find yourself in the aforementioned category, you’re already hallucinating anyway. 

Our two-party system resembles nothing more closely than a bowl of poo looking in the mirror at itself.  And the only winners in a poo vs. poo showdown are those who arm themselves with extra-strength Imodium and a healthy tolerance for mind-altering substances.  (And by mind-altering substances, I mean booze!)  Everyone else ends up covered in night soil.  

Booze for clarity and sanity is what I’m advocating here, people.  Because we are all completely fucked at the hands of these mad crappers.  The plane is set to crash into the mountain.  And there’s so little you can do when your ass is on fire besides jumping heiney-first into a large body of water.  But even then you have to be able to swim or hold your breath.

Which brings me to this week’s holiday-coincidence moment.  On August 6^th, 1962, Harry Houdini performed his greatest feat ever, holding his breath for 91 minutes underwater in a sealed glass tank before escaping in grand fashion.  Of course, three months later, the greatest magician of all time was dead from appendicitis at age 52.  Christ.  What are you gonna do?

Well, there’s always Happy Hour.  I’m not saying don’t’ try to patch the sinking ship.  And by all means, if you think your appendix may have ruptured, you should see a doctor.   But otherwise, take a big beer and put it in your tummy, and come on down to your local pub and talk to people about the best ways to put out underwear fires. 

Today, we’re celebrating with a Rhino Bar half-priced Happy Hour, 5-9.  Saturday, we’re celebrating with a series of movies about teachers.  We’ll have Bad Teacher (the new Cameron Diaz flick that’s not even available on DVD yet!) and Billy Madison, among others.  And we’ll supplement our learning experiences with lots and lots of (legal) drugs!  Woo!

See you there!