This Week for Happy Hour: Halloween in America

Before I get started with my Halloween Happy Hour rantings, I'd  like to share this quick Top Ten list with you.  Please enjoy:

Top Ten Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't
10.	She's a goblin.
9.	I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8.	Let me see your bag... Oh! your having a great night.
7.	Just get on your knees and bob your head.
6.	She's got a nice couple of pumpkins on her porch.
5.	If you just lick it, it will last longer.
4.	Show me your Jujubes and I'll show you my Zag Nuts.
3.	Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2.	You scared me stiff.
And the number one Halloween thing that sounds dirty but isn't is...
1.	He's got candy spread out on the floor.

In 1984, Reagan’s Presidential campaign slogan was everywhere: “It’s morning in America.”

It’s amazing that slogan ever worked, really.  And there is no way that slogan would work today – and not just because morning, for most, is associated more closely with a tired, grumpy rush out the door to go work for 10 hours at an unbeloved job.  I’m saying, a new day is not inherently a good day.  “It’s Happy Hour in America,” is something more people could get behind, I think.    

I could be wrong on that, but few would argue that things haven’t gotten a little scary lately: the global economy is at the precipice, the political system is inarguably corrupt, the banks and the populace-at-large appear to be squaring off for a pretty, pretty, pretty major conflict.  Does that sound like morning to you?

No way.  That sounds a lot more like Halloween.  And what timing.  You know, because Halloween.  It’s upon us.  Booga, booga!

If Halloween has ever really NEEDED to be celebrated, the time is now.  We need to be spooked, and then we need to laugh and enjoy ourselves, if for no other reason than to remind ourselves that life can be a blasty, even when things get a little thick. 

So take the weekend off, dress up like something silly or terrifying (or, ideally, both) and have your fill of drinks at the Rhino.  Beer goes in, fear goes out.  Or at least that’s what my Grandpa used to say.  And the price is right, with half priced Happy Hour on Friday, 5-9.  For sure, the best Halloween Happy Hour deal in the city.  And the party goes on all night upstairs afterwards.

Not only that, but Nick and Matt are kicking off “Halloween in America” proper, tonight, upstairs.  Come see Nick in his red, white, and blue America onesie suit (amazing and tantalizing), and Matt in his American Grey Squirrel costume (see him satisfy his long-time desire to have a mood-indicating tail).

As if that weren’t enough, Saturday should be tons of fun too.  Ohio State game isn’t until the evening, so bring yourself and your costume for afternoon pre-gaming and a costume contest with lots of prizes, including a $1000 gift certificate to Rhino Bar.  I’m begging somebody who reads this to go all out and win that sucker, mainly so we can do chuggers with bottle upon bottle of Johnny Walker Blue, which is only $15 per shot.  Just remember to wear a costume that will inconspicuously conceal your scroner.

See you there!

Cheers!

-Finnegan

Halloween Tip: Don't puke in children's toilets.

This Week for Happy Hour: Smashing Pumpkin Cheesecakes

October 21^st is National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day, and Rhino is having a half-price Happy Hour to boycott the insidious foodstuff, Friday 5-9pm. 

There will be no pumpkin cheesecake allowed on the premises, keep in mind.  Let me explain…

I understand what the powers that be are trying to do here – promote a seasonal vegetable by piggybacking it atop the desert flagship, cheesecake.  If you’re in the pumpkin selling business, it’s not an all together terrible idea.  But here’s the thing: what they’ve really done is taken two independently delicious treats (pumpkin pie and cheesecake) and combined them to make a less-delicious holiday treat.  In the end, it amounts to counterproductivity for the sake of the holidays, and I don’t care for it one bit.

Do you see what I’m saying?  Some butt nugget corporate ad exec somewhere got hired by the U.S. association for pumpkin farmers, and thought: people love cheesecake, so let’s put some October pumpkin in it, and we’ll sell a bunch of Halloween Cheesecakes.

Two things: first, you already had pumpkin pie.  It’s better and has more pumpkins in it, so you’ve taken a step back already.  Second, of course everybody loves cheesecake.  That’s obvious and not creative advertising.  In fact, I propose a new project for this Happy Hour: to find somebody who doesn’t like cheesecake, and then kick the shit out of them for making the ad exec seem even possibly competent. 

Here’s what we’ll do.  We’ll stop a passerby outside of the door and I’ll say, “Hey, buddy, do you know anybody who doesn’t like cheesecake?”  And he’ll say, “Whuh- no!”  And then I’ll backhand him.  Pretty hard, the way you have to when you’re trying to get information out of somebody.  And then you’ll put your finger close to his face and say, “Don’t lie to us, you bastard.”  He’ll be terrified.  And then we’ll tie him to a chair and feed him peach schnapps (can water boarding be done with peach schnapps?) until he spills the beans, and we can continue on our witch hunt for somebody who doesn’t like cheesecake.   

We’ll probably end up with some misinformation from our peach schnapps torture techniques, and some poor guy who actually does like cheesecake will get his ass whooped, but hey, don’t blame me.  Blame pumpkin cheesecake.  That mess is a cheap shot.  Makes me want a half-price cocktail not involving pumpkin-cheesecake vodka.

See you Friday for half-price Happy Hour at the Rhino! 

P.S.  For the Rhino lovers who fear the big Rhino crowd during football season, keep in mind that Saturday and Sunday afternoons should be a little calmer than normal, with both Ohio State and the Eagles on bye weeks.  Show up and you too can enjoy the luxury of a bar stool while you power through your pint glass of Halloweenie-tini, or just beer.  

P.P.S.  We'll also have some special guests at Happy Hour on Friday: Kristin, who's been West-coasted for some time now and hasn't set foot in Rhino for far too long; and Kavitha, who may actually be coming through due to Georgetown Homecoming, but I'm going to choose to believe that last week's blog shamed her into a triumphant return to the white marble.

Cheers!

This Week for Happy Hour: This is Your Brain on Happy Hour

Twenty nine years ago today, on October 14^th, 1982, President Ronald Reagan announced the beginning of the “War on Drugs.”  Because that’s what we do with problems in America – we declare war on them.  Either that or we walk laps around a track for them.  But Ronald wasn’t about to change out of his loafers for a bunch of poor people and unruly youths smoking rocks.  So there it was, the War on Drugs, the immune system booster for our nation’s fundamental ailment.

But, of course, there were a couple inconsistencies in this War, and thank goodness for that.  For example, the War on Drugs carved out an exception so that you could continue to drink your drugs.  It was still Miller Time, just not Meth Time.  You could still put a little Captain in you, just not a little crack.  Indeed, “this Bud” could continue to be “for you.”  Let me tell you, you declare war on those Clydesdales and you can get the hell out of America, pal.  I once saw one kick a field goal.  Alcohol was kind of the Saudi Arabia of the more recent War on Terrorism.  It got a hall pass.

Then you had the commercials – the public service announcements that came out of the new War.  Remember those?  “This is your brain.  This is your brain on drugs.  Any questions?”  In the most famous commercial, your brain was a hot iron skillet and the drugs were an egg.  And then the drugs would fall onto your brain and your brain would kill all the dangerous salmonella in the drugs and turn it into a delicious breakfast.  Kind of a confusing message for your average kid if you ask me.

So today I’m offering an alternative, with the intention of making not only reference to the beginning of the War on Drugs, but also making sense.  I submit to you: This is Your Brain on Happy Hour.

This is my brain:

This is my brain on Happy Hour:

This is Sarah Palin’s brain:

This is Sarah Palin’s brain on Happy Hour:

This is Kavitha’s brain (in law school – tear, vom) - miss that girl, who needs a Happy Hour badly:

This is Kavitha’s brain on Happy Hour:

Brittany's brain in a world without Happy Hour:

Brittany's brain on Happy Hour:

Come see what your brain looks like at Happy Hour today, 5-9pm at Rhino!  Drinks and food are half price, then the party continues all night upstairs. 

Cheers!