This Week for Happy Hour: Smashing Pumpkin Cheesecakes

October 21^st is National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day, and Rhino is having a half-price Happy Hour to boycott the insidious foodstuff, Friday 5-9pm. 

There will be no pumpkin cheesecake allowed on the premises, keep in mind.  Let me explain…

I understand what the powers that be are trying to do here – promote a seasonal vegetable by piggybacking it atop the desert flagship, cheesecake.  If you’re in the pumpkin selling business, it’s not an all together terrible idea.  But here’s the thing: what they’ve really done is taken two independently delicious treats (pumpkin pie and cheesecake) and combined them to make a less-delicious holiday treat.  In the end, it amounts to counterproductivity for the sake of the holidays, and I don’t care for it one bit.

Do you see what I’m saying?  Some butt nugget corporate ad exec somewhere got hired by the U.S. association for pumpkin farmers, and thought: people love cheesecake, so let’s put some October pumpkin in it, and we’ll sell a bunch of Halloween Cheesecakes.

Two things: first, you already had pumpkin pie.  It’s better and has more pumpkins in it, so you’ve taken a step back already.  Second, of course everybody loves cheesecake.  That’s obvious and not creative advertising.  In fact, I propose a new project for this Happy Hour: to find somebody who doesn’t like cheesecake, and then kick the shit out of them for making the ad exec seem even possibly competent. 

Here’s what we’ll do.  We’ll stop a passerby outside of the door and I’ll say, “Hey, buddy, do you know anybody who doesn’t like cheesecake?”  And he’ll say, “Whuh- no!”  And then I’ll backhand him.  Pretty hard, the way you have to when you’re trying to get information out of somebody.  And then you’ll put your finger close to his face and say, “Don’t lie to us, you bastard.”  He’ll be terrified.  And then we’ll tie him to a chair and feed him peach schnapps (can water boarding be done with peach schnapps?) until he spills the beans, and we can continue on our witch hunt for somebody who doesn’t like cheesecake.   

We’ll probably end up with some misinformation from our peach schnapps torture techniques, and some poor guy who actually does like cheesecake will get his ass whooped, but hey, don’t blame me.  Blame pumpkin cheesecake.  That mess is a cheap shot.  Makes me want a half-price cocktail not involving pumpkin-cheesecake vodka.

See you Friday for half-price Happy Hour at the Rhino! 

P.S.  For the Rhino lovers who fear the big Rhino crowd during football season, keep in mind that Saturday and Sunday afternoons should be a little calmer than normal, with both Ohio State and the Eagles on bye weeks.  Show up and you too can enjoy the luxury of a bar stool while you power through your pint glass of Halloweenie-tini, or just beer.  

P.P.S.  We'll also have some special guests at Happy Hour on Friday: Kristin, who's been West-coasted for some time now and hasn't set foot in Rhino for far too long; and Kavitha, who may actually be coming through due to Georgetown Homecoming, but I'm going to choose to believe that last week's blog shamed her into a triumphant return to the white marble.

Cheers!